What's the Big Deal About a Big D?

Men with huge penises love their own huge penises more than any woman ever could.

Oct 4, 2012 at 1:08pm | Leave a comment

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Obvious prop.

I'm not gonna front about penis size. It matters to me. Like, if I were falling in true love with you over entrees and post-dessert I found out you had a tiny wanger, I would definitely be like, "Awwww, man." You could maybe overcome it; you'd just have to work really hard to compensate, like women in business. Fresh-baked cinnamon rolls on the daily could go a long way toward making me forget about any perceived penis issue.

But that's just if it were really small. Anything at or above around 5 inches is just fine, you know? My personal sweet spot is a thick 7, but we can't Weird Science ourselves a "perfect" mate, or I'd already be dating Sex Addict Kevin James. (Side note: The most withering thing Jane Pratt ever says about anyone's writing is that it's "fine." [You know what's even worse than "fine" to me? Derivative. Yours is neither. ])

Whatever, I'm so bored talking about regular penises, I could stick a whole cucumber past my epiglottis just to stay awake. What I really want to talk about are really big Ds. Chiefly, how men with huge penises love their own huge penises more than any woman ever could.

Don't get me wrong; I get the appeal of a really massive cervix-banger. It's a site to behold, like any large, naturally formed structure. I'll pull over and ooh and ahh at Old Faithful as much as the next girl, but that doesn't mean I want it in my pussy. And being fully railed with a giant penis feels awesome. And it's fun to actually mean it once in awhile when you coo, "OH, IT'S SO BIG." But the associated downsides out weight that admittedly hot "all full up" feeling, for me at least.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE:

1. You cannot blowjob the thing to save your life.

Maybe for some people this is a plus, but I consider myself something of a blowjob artist. Asking me to perform on one of these bad boys is like asking Picasso to paint with his left hand. I CANNOT WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS.

And because I am known in some circles (I'm my own best hype man) for my deepthroating skills, they always want to force the thing down my throat anyway, usually while saying something unsavory like, "Yeah, you like choking on that big d***?" I don't always admit it in the moment, but you guys? I really don't like to choke in any circumstance. Plus, my eyes start to water and I get all spitty and snotty and then I don't even feel pretty anymore.

2. It hurts in certain positions.

I'm into some pretty zealous fucking, and with a big D, you're barely getting started before you're all like OW OW OW GET THE FUCK OFF MY CERVIX FUCKER.  At least in my experience, I'm always having to ask guys with big ones to slow down or back it up or change positions because they're hurting me. And I like that usually, but it's not really a sexy hurt. More of a, "Hello, perhaps you have not noticed, but my vagina ended back there," hurt.

3. You can't do no anal.

And I love anal! Maybe you can do anal with a big D, but I'm too scared to try.

4.The dudes attached to the big D often have hugely inflated egos.

Ugh, big dick syndrome. Those guys can be such jerks! And lazy! "Like, here I am, here's my big dick, what more do you need?" You can't just, like, lay there and have a big dick and be good in bed. And they usually want to talk about their big dicks the whole time you're doing it! Can't we talk about my pretty eyes for awhile? I'm half in this for the compliments, you know.

That shit may impress the other guys in the locker room, but you need a little more than nature's freak assignment of genital anatomy to impress me. Again, like cinnamon rolls.

Do you love a really big D? Do you put them in your butt? Did you know that Jane Pratt apparently has a psychic ability to look at a clothed man and know his penis size? She says it makes watching C-Span really fun. Let's talk it out.

Emily is on Twitter @msemilymccombs.

Posted in Sex