In case you weren't aware, today is the 25th anniversary of National Coming Out Day.
One of our writers, s.e. smith, asked if anyone on staff might want to write tackle this subject by coming out -- as straight. When I looked further into it, I couldn't wait to volunteer for heterosexual tokenism.
So here I am, for you.
Coming out as straight. It's taken me almost 38 years to finally issue my worldwide sexual preference news release and subject myself to all of the intrusive, invasive questions that the LGBT community must face if they participate in this at-times-feel-good and incredibly important holiday but from an ideological standpoint problematic in its personal sexual voyeurism entitlement rite of passage.
Why? Because why should it be considered shocking whether a person prefers men or women or both or none at all.
Of course, this is an incredibly important holiday for many, many people and is an instrument of destroying homophobia and secrecy -- this is one of my favorite reflections right here by Biz Hurst -- and for this reason, I'm grateful that we have it.
But, for the sake of equality, I'd like to subject myself to the same speech I might have to give to my friends and family if all were fair in heterosexuality and war.
Dear mom and dad,
I know you don't use Twitter or Facebook, really, so you may not be aware, but today is actually National Coming Out Day. All across the country, people young and old are using this holiday as an impetus to give them the courage to reveal what the world feels entitled to know about their most personal intimate preference: Do they prefer men or women? Sexually, that is.
So many questions often follow this revelation, and I know you will have many of the same for me.
Who else have I told?
Am I sure?
Have I tried the other way to make sure that I might not be lesbian?
At what point did I know that I was straight?
Does the fact that I am straight mean that I am into sexually deviant activities? Does it make me more promiscuous? Does it mean that I might want to actually have a committed relationship with a man -- depending on state laws -- and then be public about this fact? Maybe I could just publicly say that I am lesbian and be heterosexual behind closed doors?
All excellent questions, and I appreciate your candor.
I know this is a time of great curiosity about my announcement. Like, did Lady Gaga with her song "Born This Way" convince me that I might not like women? That I can answer for sure. That song only convinced me that Madonna is owed major royalties on it. As of this writing, I currently do not have a "straight anthem." Eliot Spitzer is a contender, obviously, but as of this writing he is not yet a musician.
Am I now going to participate in very public hetero activities like the Straight Pride Parade? Well, I might. I know your first instinct might be that it's fine if I'm straight, but do I have to be so loud about it? Well, maybe I want to. Maybe I just like expressing myself by showing off my "incontestable rights to property, pension and hospital visitations" pride pin, OK.
Is it just a phase, you may be asking. How do I know that being straight isn't just a trendy fad, like the Internet? Am I willing to try conversion therapy?
Listen, I have considered all of these things, and that is why I am taking this day to answer all of your questions about why I am straight. I see that I owe the world an answer about my sexual preferences, and that is why I am taking this day to give you it.
I mean, it's not like we could just accept people as they are without establishing some dynamic norm for what is mainstream and what is not -- and instead needs a single day of publicity wherein the world deigns to admit that there are other behaviors outside of the heteronormative culture of dominance -- right?
So consider me here for you right now, at your service. To answer your initial question: I first knew I was straight when I had a dick in me. Would you like any more specific details?
In the spirit of tolerance and understanding,