So, I’ve Been Trying Out This Lesbian Dating App...

It's called Brenda, which is the least sexy name ever. It’s made up of a big grid, like Grindr, and is organised geographically, like Grindr. It’s essentially a real life gaydar, like Grindr. Except, it's called Brenda.

Feb 11, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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“No. No. Hmm, maybe. No. Absolutely not. Mmm definitely worth meeting. Ooh, her, she’s cute!”

My flatmate is looking over my shoulder while I flick through images of chicks on Brenda.

Brenda, for those who don’t know, is the lesbian-dating app with quite possibly the unsexiest name ever. Coincidence? I think not.

It’s made up of a big grid, like Grindr, and is organised geographically, like Grindr. It’s essentially a real life gaydar, like Grindr.

It's a wonderful tool, given that lesbians are so hard to find. Over half the women in gay bars are straight girls have a ruddy good time with their GBF. No one’s bringing in the lesbians!

So, when I first downloaded Brenda I thought it was a cracking idea. Map out potential lovers within a five mile radius, anytime. Must remember to stay groomed, moisturised and tanned at all times... you never know when a lady of fancy may strike.

However, Brenda is a bit like the discard pile in a game of rummy. Doesn’t mean the cards are no good, but they’ve just not worked out for anyone else who’s had them yet.

Mostly there are three types of Brenda girls: the ones who start a conversation with “hey sexy pussy girl” (I beg your pardon!?), the ones who might still have boy bits while they give you make-up tips and the ones you have one long staid conversation with for six days before it peters out. By which time you’ve already told people you’re courting and shown her photos to your mum.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you meet up with someone, but they’re probably not at all what they looked like on thumbnail. Or you end up in G-A-Y with them and their socially awkward mates wishing you were actually with that bloke performing Whitney songs to himself at the next table.

Sure, it should be a great place to meet like-minded people but no one seems that like-minded. Or maybe I’m the one who doesn’t get it.

One sweet girl offered me £300 to shag her boyfriend in front of her. She comes from that school of thought where lesbians are a rich man’s sex toy. That. Again.

Or you get an unexpected shot of a fanny before you’ve even finished replying to “wer u frm?” Then the batshit crazy tart goes off the rails when you haven’t sent a quick photo response of your wabs.

Then there are the sexually meek. They talk to you for weeks and then when you suggest meeting up they freeze with horror like the whole charade so far was just to limber up their thumb joints. Are you scared? Why are you scared? I’m not Steve from Merseyside with a pickaxe in the back pocket of my Fiat Punto. I’m a young woman and you’re a young woman, let’s do that thing we shouldn’t do. No?

One thing I'm learning is how to fish those out right from the get go. Starting a conversation with something as awkward as “hi” isn’t helpful to anyone.

This is app dating, folks, your opening line needs the punch of a Sun front pager. Something with mileage, an opener that says “It’s not that I’m here because I find it impossible to find a date in the real world, I’m here because I’m having a nice time. Wanna have a nice time with me?”

And, somewhere between that rabble of bare tits and differing moral codes there are about five decent girls. Not quite enough to lay down a winning hand but just hanging on to the cards for a moment makes me feel like there is hope.

When dealing with someone you actually like the look of, I have one word of advice. Straight off the mark be all like “You know, I really hate talking on these apps but would love to hang out with you blah blah blah”.

Get the romance off the app dude, the app is just the place where you bumped into the person. You don’t need to breed a scrapbook of Brenda memories. Because, believe me, they will be bleak.

When you do end up dating someone (that means more than one jaunt into Soho), you’’ll both be so aware that you met on Brenda. What does that mean? Does it make the relationship less serious? And do we lie about where we met when other folk ask? (No to the latter, just in case someone at work gets a profile for a joke and sees that picture of you trying to look sexy and just a little bit naked).

So it works out for a while, but you always feel like you cheated to get there. It’s not a sweet story of crashing into one another in a tornado of ecstasy at rush hour. Nah, it’s more like mild perverts honking horns in gridlock.

And how do you know when your serious love affair is over? Well, you see your new squeeze cruising the app again while you’re “going steady”. Yowza.

But, you know, even if you don’t win the game of rummy, it’s a fun game to have played. Anyway, one player’s trash is another player’s winning card. 

So far I still prefer to meet the old fashioned way but someone has to do the legwork, so I’m going to try Dattch next. Any more lesbian dating apps you can recommend out there?

Challenge Lisa to a card game @lisaluxx_