I've Faked 99% Of My Orgasms

I’m the Meryl Streep of faking orgasms.

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I'm so good at faking. In this photo I'm actually thinking, "WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"

I’m sorry, every single ex-boyfriend I’ve ever had, but 99% of the orgasms you thought I had were fake. That wasn’t the sound of pleasure you heard, it was the sound of giving up.

“But I can tell it’s real because the vagina constricts and you can’t do that when you fake.” -– every guy

Yes you can. I’ve done it. If there was a profession where I had to fake orgasms… oh wait… umm, let’s just say I’m the Meryl Streep of faking orgasms. I’m not proud of it at all. I wish I didn’t feel obligated to, but I cannot have an orgasm from just putting the D in the V. I believe that’s called a vaginal orgasm. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never had one.

I’ve read so many articles in Cosmo called “12 Tips to Please Your Man in Bed,” or whatever. Please your man? How about please myself? Most guys will have an orgasm no matter what is going on as long as his penis is feeling some sort of wetness and friction. I mean, a dude had sex with a hot pocket and put it on Vine. I rest my case.

I knew what an orgasm was before I started having sex. Once I figured out how to pleasure myself, I was rubbing them out all the time. As soon as I started having sex and not having orgasms, I assumed that eventually it would happen. I decided to fake them until it happened. It never did.

I’ve probably had sex at least 1,000 times maybe? I’m 29, does that make sense? Wait, that averages 100 times per year for the past 10 years. I don’t think that’s right. 500? That seems too low. I actually have no clue. Anyway. I’ve faked every single orgasm I’ve had up until about nine months ago. Oral sex included. That’s the saddest sentence I’ve ever written.

I eventually started telling boyfriends I couldn’t come from just sex. Their response was always, “I bet I can make you orgasm.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU CANNOT! Stop saying that guys. Seriously, it’s annoying. Your penis isn’t magical.

I just got really uncomfortable thinking about my mom reading this article.

I eventually told myself that I would stop faking, but my ex-boyfriend was SO confident that he could make me orgasm. I just decided to go with it. Honestly, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. It ended up being much easier to fake. Besides, if I was tired I could just blurt out, “I’m about to come baby!” and BAM! It’s all over within seconds and now I can move to the other side of the bed because I’m weird with affection and fall asleep. Faking orgasms is like a gateway drug for sleep.

That ex-boyfriend wanted to have sex every other day too, ugh. It became something I had to do, instead of want to do. I also walked in on him watching incest porn one morning, even though we had sex the night before. He’s also the guy who told an escort he wanted to put his tongue in her ass. Also, if you can count how many orgasms an ex gave you, then it should be very easy to get over him.

There was a time when I actually loathed having sex. I’ve been on and off anti-depressants for a long time. The combination of Zoloft and birth control pills is basically a libido killer. Combined with not being able to orgasm = what was the point of sex??? Then in 2012 I stopped taking all pills and I watched so much porn. Man, what a great summer.

I eventually had to get back on birth control pills because my skin was breaking out horribly. I started taking Lexapro at the same time and my libido went back to zero. What a bummer. My doctor gave me Wellbutrin, which was known for counteracting the side effects of anti-depressants, and it actually worked! It was a miracle.  I can be depressed and still want to have sex at the same time. What’s better than that? Lots of things? Oh…

That's when I stopped faking orgasms and gained the confidence to pleasure myself during sex. GAME CHANGER. Guys actually love seeing chicks masturbate, who knew? (I just discovered Internet porn two years ago, I’m a little behind.) Another thing that helps with orgasms: talking. Like, any talking. Not just dirty talk. If a guy wanted to recite the Pythagorean Theorm during sex it would turn me on so much. Oh, you want to wear a powdered wig and recite the 19th amendment in Spanish? Go for it! I could listen to a story about a fishing trip and get turned on.

I wish I wasn’t a shy insecure sissy during the past 10 years of my sex life, but we all have to start somewhere, right? Please tell me I'm not the only one who faked it for a ridiculous amount of time.