Hey, man. Have you sexy-health-checked your squeeze today? Yes? No? Don’t know what I’m on about? Well, hold tight, because I’m about to lay some factage on you.
Yeah, I say ‘man’, ‘squeeze’ and ‘factage’ now. I lay things on people. I’m trying to make douchebag-slang a thing again. WATHAAAAAP?
FACTAGE
1. FPA (Family Planning Association), the sexual health charity, sells sex toys. Did you know this? I did not know this. Anyway, they do, from their brusque purple online dildo emporium, Desire and Pleasure.
2. One of their sex toys is this ‘triple pleaser wand attachment’, a multi-hole extravaganza made all the more terrifying because it resembles a sort of parrot Darth Vader:
Freaky. On the other hand, free returns for 365 days. Well done, Desire and Pleasure.
3. FPA and Desire and Pleasure have declared this week ‘Sexy’ Health Check Week. They’re urging courting couples to check each other’s bodies over for lumps, bumps and other health changes - while they’re in the sack.
Not during sex, obviously, unless you have a particularly robust libido or very specific medical fetish. But afterwards, while you’re lying there mainlining Lindor mini-eggs (just me...?) with all your bits hanging out, why not examine your partner’s buttocks for stealth lesions?
You could saving a life (this was a typo, but I like it so much that I’m leaving it in).
THREE INNOVATIVE WAYS TO CHECK SEXY HEALTH
1. When she’s putting on her bra
FACT: Doing up a bra clasp always takes at least five seconds longer than you think it will. You can exploit that five seconds by checking for changes in breast or nipple shape, skin puckering or lumps. Once the shoulder-boulder-holders are on, you can run your fingers over the collarbone and underarms for swelling.
2. When he’s crouching down to fish hair out of the washing machine filter
In which we go up and under; up and under; and cup - checking for lumps and textural changes. But don't stop there. It’s probably your hair he’s fishing out of there, after all, so say thank you with some pleasurable groping. Manners cost nothing, you know.
3. When you’re not part of a couple
Don’t worry, singular people, you can still enjoy ‘Sexy’ Health Check Week.
Even if you’re not part of a couple, you must know a couple. Perhaps they are your friends. Perhaps they are your parents. Perhaps they are your new, nameless neighbours and you don't know if they're blond or brunette because you've only seen them through night-vision goggles.
Whoever they are to you, show them you care by creeping into their room one night and staging a SURPRISE SEXY HEALTH CHECK AMBUSH!
They’ll thank you for noticing their scrotal stippling or yeast infection. Eventually. Probably via a prison sentence. But that's just how you know you’ve been a really good friend.
Don’t actually do this, please. At least, don’t actually do this and cite me
Aaaaaaaaanyway. Here’s some advice from the NHS about checking the state of your/someone else's bongos, footle, peen and maracas.
So now you're informed - go! Grope with impunity.
Happy ‘Sexy’ Health Check Week! Or, as douchebag-slang would have it, Hizzy 'Sizzy' Hizzy Chizzy Wizzy! Wathaap! Oh god, I hate myself.
Shake your maracas at Robyn on Twitter @orbyn (or don't)
