5 Things To Buy When You Find Out Your Son Has Been Texting Unwanted Pics Of His D#%k

New eyes did not make the list, but were a serious contender.

Jun 12, 2013 at 6:30pm | Leave a comment

Did you hear the one about the guy who sent a girl he had not met but had been flirting with over an app a picture of his dick? 

If not, now you’ve heard at least the set up. Let me go ahead and fill in the rest of this epic tale. Girl is -- understandably -- pissed off and grossed out to have received an unsolicited dick pic from a virtual (in every sense of the word) stranger. 

Girl expresses that she is grossed out. Guy tells her, predictably, to mellow out -- he’s just showing her what he’s got. When girl says she doesn’t like being spoken to or treated that way by someone she doesn’t know, dude says that she is a prude and that her reaction is proof of why she is single. 

Girl finds guy’s mom on Facebook and tells him she is sending his mom the pic. Boy is not excited by this. Presumably, his johnson is even less excited at the prospected. Girl says the dude’s mom should know that her son is perpetuating rape culture, and sends that guy’s mom the self-same dick pic. I raise the sword I somehow found above my head and roar “RETRIBUTIOOOOON” in a manner not altogether different than Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

Would I have done the same thing? Probably not. Am I impressed that she went to that extreme? Abso-fucking-lutely. That picture was unwanted, and when she made that clear, he wouldn’t back down -- that picture and by extension his dick were being forced on her. I don’t think it’s a stretch by half to use the "r" word, and I think bringing his actions to the attention of his mother is amazing. 

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(I once bought a string-deer-head in a fit of sorrow. I have regretted it never since.)

Can you imagine that being your kid? I get embarrassed when I’m eating out with a friend and they don’t thank our waiter for refilling out water glasses. 

I do not envy this mom at all. Even if she takes her son's side, getting that image and reading that conversation cannot be an easy pill to swallow. That is not a good day.

As such, I have compiled a list of a few things to buy yourself when someone in your family shames you. They cannot take away the sting of having spawned a man who has probably uttered “she asked for it” in earnest, but they will certainly provide a temporary manner of respite.

1.) This Giant Panda Onesie:

 

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(at this price it's basically an investment in future shames!)

“Your son is a lady-hating asshole.”

“NOPE. NOT ME. NOT MY SON. I AM A PANDA. WE HAVE A NOTORIOUSLY CHALLENGING TIME CONCEIVING.”

“Cheryl. I know it’s you.”

“CHERYL’S NOT HERE. I’M LEONARD THE PANDA. GIVE ME ALL THE BAMBOOS YOU HAVE.”

2.) This Head and Eyeball Massager

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(SkyMall is the best. Your argument is invalid.)

 

“So Cheryl, I hear Trevor’s been sexting his ding-a-ling hither and yon.”

“What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of my eyeballs being tenderly crushed into my brain stem.”

 

3.) This Sword Candelabra

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(Let's all go to Medieval Times for my birthday.)

 

“Are you going to answer that woman who you emailed you Trevor’s doodle?”

“DID YOU SEE MY SWORD CANDELBRA? FUNNY STORY ABOUT SWORDS. STEEL WAS FIRST FORGED IN ANATOLIA OVER FOUR THOUSAND YEARS AGO....”

 

4.) These Candy Print Wedges

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(dance your dance of distraction)

 

“Cheryl! Hiiiiii. How are you? How are you coping?”

“HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW SHOES?! THEY HAVE CANDY ON THEM AND MAKE ME TALL WITHOUT HURTING MY ARCHES.”

“....Well. That’s. That’s certainly something.”

“ISN’T IT? GOOD DAY DEVORAH!”

5.) This Ostrich Pillow

 

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(...)

“Mom...have you checked your Facebook messages lately?”

*doesn’t answer because she is in her Ostrich pillow.*

Do you think the Girl in question went too far by messaging the mom? Do you think the mom has any real responsibility now that her son is grow and the damage is done, as it were? What have you bought to hide from your problems? Take it to the comments! And be sure to tweet me pictures of all of your moms. I like moms. But not in a gross way.