How Not To Be a Dick to A Sexually Submissive Woman (If That Sexually Submissive Woman Is Me)

Everything I'm into, I'm into playing out with consenting adults. But that doesn't mean I haven't encountered my fair share of dickishness in the world of kinky sex.

May 24, 2013 at 8:00pm | Leave a comment

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Me pretending I would ever be the one using a whip at a DomiDollz kink event.

I'm into weird sex.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; age play; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here's the stuff that's more for special occasions and that I don't want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, ET CETERA.

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all -- I don't wear costumes or address my sexual partners as "Master" or "Sir." I just like to do weird stuff with likeminded perverts who respect me just as much outside the bedroom as they degrade me in it. 

I'm not gonna get into arguing the politics of it, except to say that my vagina has always been very unconcerned with politics and everything I'm into, I'm into playing out with consenting adults. But that doesn't mean I haven't encountered my fair share of dickishness in the world of kinky sex.

Here are some of the unique ways to be an asshole in the realm of sexual dominance and submission.

Don't try to dominate me like, while we're like, out at the bar.

I may be submissive in the bedroom, but I'm anything but in my everyday life. There are lots of dominant men who fully embrace and understand this dichotomy but there are some who seem to think that my sexual proclivities mean they should be able to boss me around in any given social situation.

Like the dude I dated in college who insisted I travel the hour-and-a-half train ride to his Jersey in pigtails ("the high-up kind," he actually specified) and no bra supporting my DD breasts. He didn't believe me when I assured him this would in no way be a sexy look.

Or, way worse, the dude who once "ordered" me to go find a woman for us to have sex with at the bar where we were having a drink.

"Go up to that girl and finger her," he suggested.

First of all, that's assault, brother! And second, it's not really that easy for me to just go get a girl to have sex with us. It's a pretty involved procedure that in my experience involves the use of the Internet at the very least. I imagined that his requests were just going to get more and more ridiculous until he was ordering me to like, levitate objects with my mind.

While I know there are submissive women who are interested in that kind of lifestyle play, for me submission is just for the bedroom. Don't tell what I have to wear something ridiculous in public, don't order me to send you incriminating naked photographs and don't tell me I have to respond to your emails within a certain amount of time or "be punished." I'm agreeing to submit to you during a sexual encounter, not during my day-to-day life.

Honestly, I have WAY too much shit to do to play sex games without the promise of a pretty immediate orgasm.

Being dominant is not just an excuse to be sexually selfish.

I have a huge fetish for breast play and abuse. Back in my Craigslist ads, I would often post looking for a "true breast fetishist" who was interested in extended breast play sessions. I was looking for dudes who truly fetishized breasts and would be happy to spend a good hour just groping, grabbing and manhandling them with only the possibility of mutual masturbation in return. These guys exist, and I adore them.

But what I quickly found is that pretty much any guy will respond to an ad like that, figuring "Hey, I like boobs," and hoping that they'll ultimately get laid. A lot of so-called "dominant" guys seem to be playing the same game.

"Yeah, I'm a dom, and I'm going to make you come over here and suck my dick all day." And look, I might be willing to come over suck your dick and leave for love or money, but I ain't gonna do it just because you're calling yourself a "dom."

DS sex is still collaborative and involves mutual gratification. Submissive women still want to be touched and appreciated and we still want to have orgasms. I get off on providing sexual pleasure, but not exclusively. Our entire sexual encounter shouldn't consist of me giving you oral sex, and if it does, there's definitely not going to be another one.

Being submissive doesn't mean I don't get to have any boundaries.

The dirty little secret about BDSM is that it's actually the "submissive" partner who is in complete control of the situation. We set up the framework and boundaries for the encounter. Safe words are there in case you overstep our boundaries. If I use a safe word (I'm a green-yellow-red girl myself), a good dominant partner will stop what he is doing immediately.

I texted a friend with extensive experience in the world of kink and asked him how he'd respond if a submissive woman were to state a hard boundary (I used the example of "no anal") before meeting. He reinforced my expectation that a "good dom" is respectful of boundaries and won't push them unless he knows it's something that the bottom is nervous, but curious about.

Sometimes submissives have "soft" boundaries that we are potentially interested in exploring the edges of. I personally don't always want to feel completely safe and cozy in my comfort zone -- I like to play around the edges of my boundaries with an ethical partner who will lightly test the boundary, give me a chance to say no and be prepared to stop on a dime.

What I don't want is a dominant partner who tries to steamroll over my boundaries in the name of being "dominant," or who accuses of me of not really being submissive because I am not open to literally any deranged idea that happens to pop into his head.

Submissive isn't synonmyous with boundarylessness or subjugation of free will, although participants in a DS relationship may play consensually with those themes. It's a subtle distinction, which is why it's easy to find people who are fucking it up.

Don't make degrading or humiliating comments about my body unless we've previously discussed it.

I like to be degraded and objectified. You can call me a slut cumpdumpster whore until the cows come and Ima like it. What you can not do ever ever ever is call me "fat" or a "pig" or imply that I or any parts of my body are in any way unattractive. I will put you out without your drawers, I sear.

Some submissive women like this, I aint hating. But because of the sheer potential for emotional damage, you should never assume a woman will be into this, even if she likes to be demeaned every other which way.

Don't tell me all about the other girls you're fucking. However, do tell me if you have a girlfriend.

Just because we're having fucked-up casual sex doesn't mean I want to hear erotic details of your other conquests any more than a vanilla woman you're sleeping with. I MAY find it sexy to hear exactly what you did to that girl the other night or how hot her body was, but unless you know for a fact that I do, you should probably keep the specifics to yourself. (The exception is obviously anything that could affect my health or wellbeing, like the fact that you are having unprotected sex with lots of people.)

On the other hand, do be honest with me about your relationship status. I'd been having incredible hogtie-me-and-eff-my-face sex with a guy on a sporadic basis for months before he mentioned to me that actually he was engaged and getting married the next month. He was in an open relationship with his fiance and he figured since we both knew our situation was completely casual, it didn't matter, but it did to me, just because it made me feel like someone I was being very intimate and vulnerable with was not returning the favor.

"I actually really don't like to be lied to," I told him.

Honesty, transparency and respect are probably even more important in a BDSM relationship -- the emotional and physical safety of everyone involved hinges on an ability to trust your partner completely.

Although there have been many times I've wished that my "arousal template" (as my therapist calls it) was a little more socially normative, I can only play the vagina cards my vagina hand was dealt. Life's too short not to get off because your preferences freak some people out.

And in some ways, I'm grateful for my fetishes. While there are a lot of ways to "do it wrong" when it comes to power play and sex, for me, when it's done right, it's completely transcendent -- intense, mind-bending, and extremely fulfilling.

Just, uh, don't be a dick about it.