With photos and weird dildos, because I know what you’re like.
I arrived at college convinced of two things: Ayn Rand’s genius and the transformative powers of cunnilingus. Neither was a belief I had tested in practice, but enough smart and enthusiastic people endorsed them that I took them both on faith.
Once, on a budget flight, I was waiting for ages to use the loo. The flight attendent knocked and got no answer, so he deployed the secret unlocky thing. The toilet was not vacant, a man was in there, doing a poo. I can still smell it, in my dreams. THAT is why I can't have sex on a plane.
Why aren't we talking about consent more? It isn't just about sex, it's about everything we do, or don't do in life. Yes, we might chant a bit of 'Yes means yes and no means no' on a march but how often do you analyse a chant?
I rarely hear anyone admitting that the actual sensation of p-in-the-v can be kind of meh.
sex at work
I have no balls. I am sans scrote. Even if I fancied my colleague so hard my boobs lactated Let’s Get It On every time they glanced my way, I still wouldn’t be able to get in a stationery cupboard and go gung-ho on the post-its.
There’s gotta be at least one other person out there who found the evil Child Catcher character in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” super sexy, right? Right??
I tend to go for pretty-ish guys who dress nicely and, inevitably, possess characteristics considered effeminate by my friends.
I run through the list of possible alternatives: I can feel your moods? foods? cubes? nudes? glutes?
It's called Brenda, which is the least sexy name ever. It’s made up of a big grid, like Grindr, and is organised geographically, like Grindr. It’s essentially a real life gaydar, like Grindr. Except, it's called Brenda.
We’d already discussed the engagement ring issue and I’d made it clear there was absolutely no way I was going to make myself suffer a metal noose on my finger for all eternity. No big deal, right?
I don't have the guts to approach a guy when there are able bodied women around, let alone actually flirt with him. Essentially, I feel that in a situation where I cannot make use of my personality, I am no competition for other girls.
same sex relationships
Women love to hate women as much as they love to love them, whether they're gay or not. When it comes to emotions we lose all sense of reasonable manners. That's why we steal and fight and fake stuff. It isn't just me, is it?
There's the argument to be made that it doesn't matter WHAT you say so long as it's in the moment and you're hot for the other person, but I say this is horsefeathers. Some stuff you just should not ever say to someone.
One-night stands can be glorious, adventure-filled examples of instant wish-fulfillment, but very few women look drunkenly at the man they’re snogging and think ‘I’m only taking you home if you can guarantee me an orgasm.’
We can’t blame porn for vanilla being less desirable - it never really was in the first place. Sure it can be lovely, but missionary every day? No way, Jose.