Amid broken resolutions and a general malaise that can only come from realising 50 Cent’s In Da Club came out a decade ago, sometimes an idea hits you like a bottle full of bud. An idea like Opposite Bitching.
If anyone else can come up with a snappier name, please let me know because there’s no word for the opposite to bitching; if this is going to catch on, it has have no more than three syllables and be grammatically fluid for maximum longetivity. Think Y*LO (I refuse to type this).
No, I’m not clambering on that little high horse known as Sanctimonious Derision, spraying my non-bitchiness over anyone who’s ever gone on a full-scale rant about someone they really, really can’t stand. Bitching is something we all have to get out of our systems once in a while.
Guys do it just as much as girls, they’re just not very good at it. If you listen to guys bitching it will go something like this:
Man 1: "God that thinks he's so funny, but he's just annoying. I asked him if he could help me with some figures and he ate his notebook really slowly before pouring raw egg in his shoe."
Man 2: "Yeah I noticed that. What a dick." [both Man 1 and Man 2 get on with their day and turn the conversation to something else]
While girls often practice this To The Point Bitching (TTPB), there is a greater tendency for us to overdo it and go a bit, y’know, off-topic. Suddenly it’s an hour in and everyone’s ripping into some girl not just because she shamelessly stole Shazza’s job, but she once wore a weird mesh top that showed her muffin back handle. I’m not good when it comes to nicknames for areas of visible flab, sorry.
While sometimes therapeutic (bitching, not nicknaming areas of visible flab), it’s also charring our chakras- think of it as 50 Cent enjoying a good sip of Bacardi with Shorty. Sure, it’s fun, but sometimes he needs to have a nice sit down with a cup of tea and, I don’t know, an orange.
In large quantities, for example, it can make you quite paranoid. Firstly, what are other people saying about YOU? Secondly, what does all this bitching say about YOU? Thirdly, YOU? I ran out of points.
While it’s easy to blame the Daily Fail sidebar, the addictive bastard'S popularity speaks volumes so surely it's better to find a Soothing Yin to the Bitching Yang instead of uselessly fighting what we clearly can't help indulging in. Opposite Bitching is this antidote, a bit of relief in a culture running on hoops of shame, rings of cellulite and DID SHE GET A BIT FAT? HAHA.
THE RULES OF OPPOSITE BITCHING:
1. Tell your friend/family member/colleague/acquaintance via any means necessary when another person compliments them, and they’re not there to witness it themselves. The name of the original complimenter adds gravitas to the compliment, but isn’t strictly necessary.
AND SO ENDS THE RULES OF OPPOSITE BITCHING.
Why is it so effective? Well, compliments said to your face can be reactionary (“I like your jumper” “ILIKEYOURSTOO”), motivated by jealousy (“Oh wow I’m so surprised you have the confidence to sport a neon onesie to work”) or downright false (“I love your hair”- to be read aloud in a false-sounding voice for full effect) whereas Opposite Bitching is bonafide lovin' by default. The person didn’t know it would be passed on - just watch your friend's face light up.
Having played a round or two your soul will feel airier, your karma will be cracking and, best of all, people will start Opposite Bitching back to you.
Imagine if, on those days where you feel totally repulsive and unable to sit beside pleasant company, you received a text saying: “oh hi Stevie I was with Jerome the other day and he said your hair looks great right now” ? A spot of Opposite Bitching would have lifted you right out of your grump, especially if you were suffering a particularly bad hair day.
I wouldn’t know, considering I always cultivate a top-notch barnet. Jerome won’t shut up about it.
Anyway, what do you guys think about Opposite Bitching? I want this to turn into a cultural phenomenon. I want everyone to start doing it.
The only way it'll happen is if a) we come up with a catchy, Cosmopolitan Magazine-friendly moniker and b) you all start doing it now. Yes, you. The one reading this. Remember that drinks thing last night when Shazza said Mel had nice ankles? Bloody text Mel right this minute.
Stevie is tweeting and trying to start Opposite Bitching revolutions at @5tevieM.