Right, I think I’m going to clear a couple of things up here before I go any further. Some amazingly sexist remarks have cropped up regarding me being a wicked home wrecker who got pregnant with a baby by a man with apparently no free will whatsoever and therefore unable to extricate himself from my man-trap vagina. If only it did have teeth.
In reply, Dan and I went to bed together as consenting adults. As far as I know, at 31 he understood the basics How To Make A Baby biology but chose not to do anything about it in regards to contraception. He also knew I was not on the pill. He was in command of all the facts and chose to act accordingly. He wasn’t tied to my bed posts.
Then I got pregnant and after many discussions with him and those closest to me and an in-depth counselling session at Marie Stopes I chose to keep the baby. Given that the figures concerning single parents (mostly mothers) in the UK are astronomical, having a baby to ‘trap’ a man is a ridiculous non-starter of a plan.
In fact, having the baby did the complete opposite. If I was that desperate to keep him I would have taken the easy path had an abortion and gone on gadding about, doing everything on his terms.
However, when I told Dan I wanted to keep the baby he went on to say that he would stick by me whatever happened because he loved me. We even chose my son’s name together.
My hurt came from not understanding how someone could then change their mind and not have anything to do with their child, not being dumped. We’ve all been dumped.
Men come and go but not, I believed, out of my child’s life.
31st May – 22 weeks
It was my five month anomaly scan this week – I was 21 weeks and 1 day. Well, you were. And you were gorgeous! Mum came with me, she’d never seen a scan before and she got quite emotional.
She even welled up and trust me, your nanna is not big on tears. Plus, you were being a stubborn little bugger. You were lying on your tummy and just wouldn’t roll over to get a good profile pic or let the sonographer take her measurements easily.
So she kept poking and prodding really hard but you still weren’t having any of it. It bloody hurt me, not sure how it felt your end.
Anyway, she got all your measurements and although we asked not to know the sex mum had a much better look at the scan than me and when we came out she said, ‘I reckon you might be right, I think it is a boy!’
I really don’t mind either way, I just have a very strong feeling that you are a boy. I’ve been buying blue stuff anyway – I mean baby girls’ clothes are this awful sickly shade of pink. So even if you are a girl you’ll be in blue.
All your bits were in the right place which is a good thing to know. But that’s my last scan now, which is a bit sad but you’re that much closer to joining us in this big old world.
After the scan mum and I went for a coffee and a chat. She said some lovely things about how we’re extending the Kirby clan. Mum is pretty excited which rubs off on me when I’m feeling a bit low I guess.
Mum and I also talked about abortion. They’re trying to change the law so that women have to see the baby on a scan before going through with an abortion. I’m not sure if I agree with this.
I knew for my own sake that I had to make it as hard as possible if I were to have an abortion because it shouldn’t be taken lightly and you should accept full responsibility for your actions, whatever they may be. So I had the scan at the Marie Stopes clinic but then I clung onto that picture for dear life.
You were never going anywhere sweet pea. No man is worth having an abortion for when you don't want one. But also what about making the men face up to what they’re doing?
Dan hasn’t been to one scan, has only seen the one very tiny picture of you when you were 11w + 1 day and just looked like a little critter rather than a proper tiny little person with fingers and toes and eyelashes and nails and EVERYTHING.
So it’s very easy for him to bury his head in the sand and forget all about us. Mum said again that she didn’t think I could have forgiven myself if I hadn’t gone through with it and she’s right about this, at this point in my life.
I watched Casualty last weekend and one of the characters had an abortion and it really upset me. She came out stating that she felt empty. I’m so glad that was never me. That I never had to feel like that.
I feel a lot of things, far from all good, but I’ve never wished you didn’t exist. Even with everything that’s happened. I may feel disgusted by your father’s actions but they are never a reflection on you. Only on him and his immaturity.
I’m holding onto that thought in regards to me as well. It’s hard not being loved by him. It’s hard trying to get over a man while carrying his child. It doesn’t matter if someone hurts you, it doesn’t automatically make your feelings disappear, speaking of which…
My friends and I are all on Facebook now and you can search other people. Dan has just joined and I wish I couldn’t see him. As soon as I saw his photo I got upset.
I went over to Becky’s table and had a bit of a cry and she held my hand and told me that what goes around comes around and the same old reassurances. It was kind of nice because Becky told her boyfriend about everything that Dan had done and he just couldn’t believe it.
It was so nice to hear that. Yet hard at the same time to hear how other men wouldn’t dream of abandoning their child and yet I seem to have ended up with the one man that would.
In respect of that I don’t even care that he doesn’t want to be with me, it’s not like I’ve never been dumped before but I have never considered that a man I fell for would not want to know his own children.
It makes you doubt everything you thought you knew about yourself. How could I be such a bad judge of character? Please, please don’t ever treat anyone like Dan has treated me. Hopefully I will bring you up better than that.
It’s not the events that are unforgiveable – if you get someone pregnant or anything like that, it is not the end of the world (I’d rather you didn’t do it until you’re a fully formed adult, mind), and you’re not a bad person. It’s how you deal with the situation that defines what kind of person you are.
Always face up to your responsibilities. It may be hard but at the end of the day you have to live with your choices. Dan must go to bed every night knowing that he is less of a man because of what he’s doing.