Do You Believe In Astrology? You Probably Will After You Read This

This book "Sextrology" will freak you out. Or at least it did me. Here's what it says about YOUR sign.

May 24, 2013 at 8:45pm | Leave a comment

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Sex + astrology = I'm interested.

"Nobody has a higher opinion of herself than the Scorpio woman,"

Hi my name is Mandy, and I'm a Scorpio. I laughed out loud when I read this line.

The freakishly accurate description comes from the book "Sextrology," which if you're at all interested in this woo-woo stuff you probably should buy this second. After reading the description for Scorps, I decided that I wanted to find out the signs of each and every one of you.

Enjoy the excerpts from the book's 500+-pages (well worth the $22) -- and tell me in the comments what your sign is and if any of this hit home? As a Scorpio, I can say that: Yes, it resonates. (Or as is my line when I say I'm a Scorpio: "Blood, sex and death, baby!")

PS: I also listed what sign different xoJane staff members are below. How crazy that there are FIVE -- count them five! -- Scorpios who work here.

xoScorpio. Okay, check out the scarily descriptions below -- all from "Sextrology." Then tell me what you think!

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Aries Man (March 21-April 20): He is astrology's prototypical chap -- the model-A male -- and as such he embodies the strictest utter essence of his sex: Whether eternally boyish or painfully macho, Aries is an exploration of masculinity in its purest form -- physically, emotionally and psychologically. He is most self-assured and unapologetic in attitude and behavior, comfortable in his skin and fearless in his ambitions. He lives life as if he were the only guy on the planet, feeling entitled to take freely from it what he wants, oblivious to obstacles or the admonitions of others.

Aries Woman (March 21-April 20): She is a minimalist of the first order and never crowds her experience with unnecessary obstacles, obligations, drama, or entangling emotional involvements. Single-minded in her artistic or professional pursuits, she adopts a definite plan for their achievement, realizing success by keeping life simple, easily sacrificing extra luxuries. She is the most ascetic female in the zodiac, especially forgoing such trappings as most women would deem essentials. (Marci is an Aries!)

Taurus Man (April 21-May 21): Taurus male is purposefully vague. Achieving his life's ambitions, he operates best by keeping his intention's guarded and others guessing. He is not a man of action but of reaction, a brilliant strategist who, in both professional and personal dealings, forces people's hands before playing his closely held cards accordingly....Romantically, as in business, Taurus embodies a come-hither attitude that wins him the title of the zodiac's preeminent male love-object.

Taurus Woman (April 21-May 21): Taurus woman is the zodiac's barefoot contessa, a sort of tribal princess who embodies the combined spirit of regal immunity and pastoral naivete. In every aspect, she is a "living doll" -- an infinitely fun-loving character who approaches life with an unspoilt, childlike vision and in so doing, she freely spreads joy. Taurus feels it her purpose to create a little bit of heaven here on earth, on one level procuring, and indulging in, as much epicurean delight as she might; while, on another, living as if it were a sacred right to do so. (Emily, Alison and Ellie are all Tauruses!)

Gemini Man (May 22-June 21): Gemini man is an operator. He can't sit still, constantly striving to set the wheels of his myriad plans and projects in motion. He is the zodiac's premier urbane figure, the proverbial man on the pavement with his ear perpetually to the ground and his finger on the pulse of cultural trends, especially those rooted in localized experience. The quintessential insider, Gemini infiltrates whatever milieu, private or professional that strikes his fancy -- forming close alliances, ringleading, and invariably living by his own set rules.

Gemini Woman (May 22-June 21): Gemini woman rides a fine line between innate vulnerability and an aggressive need to assert her own agenda, both professionally and in her personal life. She is acutely aware of her feminine wiles, using them to her best advantage, often playing coy or precocious in order to disarm people and gain necessary ground. Indeed no other female creates more of a stir; whether in expressing her signature outsized spirit in awesome displays of talent, or upsetting the proverbial apple cart in the trademark coups she's wont to launch, or both. (Madeline and Phoebe are Geminis!)

Cancer Man (June 22-July 22): Cancer man is the zodiac's Prince Charming, a self-professed perfect gentleman -- clean cut, polite, coolly composed, and thus seemingly tailor-made to the specifications of a traditionally minded woman. He appears caring and sensitive, nice and funny, the very picture of respect, moral soundness, and earnest ambition. The consummate marrying kind who feels an inbred need to nest, nurture (and be nurtured), Cancer's prime motivation is to be recognized as that proverbial good provider.

Cancer Woman (June 22-July 22): Unplugged: Cancer woman is the most emotive character in the zodiac. A wellspring of raw feelings, she wears her heart on her sleeve, needing to express her emotions even when others might consider it unwise to do so. More than any other female, she is consumed by her sentiments, brutally unabashed in both her affections and her aversions. She comes on strong, unhinging set rules and systems, as well as the nerves of the more reserved or regimented people in her midst. (Julieanne and Rebecca are Cancers!)

Leo Man (July 23-August 22): Leo man is the zodiac's quintessential golden boy, a gleaming figure with great charisma and an innate sense of ease and entitlement. He lives life like a king, the world being his playground, assertively satisfying his desires, which are, nonetheless, noble by nature. With nary a duplicitous bone in his body, he prizes honesty and purity above all other virtues.

Leo Woman (July 23-August 22): Leo woman is the prime mover of the zodiac. No other individual possesses her power and determination for achieving goals, sexual or otherwise. Burning with desire, she attacks life, letting nothing stand in the way of hr hunt for fulfillment. Incapable of distancing herself from her passions, she embodies the romantic and erotic urges that drive her forward in pursuit of satisfying a constant craving for love and lovemaking. (Kate is a Leo!)

Virgo Man (August 23-September 22): Virgo man is a complicated, often confounding character. To him, the world is an imperfect place fraught with potential pitfalls and disappointments. He is especially predisposed to a defeatist view of relationships, which can't help but fall short of his signature pristine expectations. Masking profound sensitivity and a wealth of emotional wounds behind a superior cynicism, Virgo man projects an impenetrability that alternately puts people off or piques their curiosity -- especially those who sense the soft core of vulnerability masked behind his cool marble facade.

Virgo Woman (August 23-September 22): And God created woman. Virgo is the definitive earth mother, which, by this very nature makes her a bundle of contradictions: She is at once an unassuming character and a powerfully feminine force to be reckoned with. Virgo woman is giving and nurturing, but equally reliant on others. Physically, even when she is small of stature, there is something of the brick house about her, with dramatic curves and generous cushions in all the right places. She exudes an air of accessibility, indeed a fragility, that inspires a man's lustful and protective urges in equal measure. (Marianne is a Virgo!)

Libra Man (September 23-October 23): Libra is the zodiac's Renaissance man. For him life is art, and he approaches existence as would a painter faced with a blank canvas, feeling empowered to create a world based solely on his idealized visions while striving to encapture sweeping abstract realities that he perceives as having remained heretofore out of humanity's reach. He is naturally attuned to the ordered, both highly principled and philosophical. Libra is a perfectionist, if not a platonist, forever focusing on conditions that might bring betterment, both for himself and for others; and yet wearing rose-colored glasses can also set him up for great disappointment.

Libra Woman (September 23-October 23): Libra woman is the zodiac's activist. The most principled person on the astrological wheel, she can't separate herself from her lofty convictions. To her, the world requires a redesign, as it lacks the very ideals that she most urgently seeks to project. If she perceives a wrong, she must strive to right it; the realm of human justice is her special domain. She possesses a powerful mind, a finely tuned faculty that is eclipsed only by her especial brand of ethereal beauty. (Annie and Hannah are Libras!)

Scorpio Man (October 24-November 21): Scorpio man is a severe individual, strict in his behavior and belief systems. He is narrowly focused, always putting his own needs ahead of any responsibility to others. A solitary figure, if not a subversive one, he stays far from what he considers the maddening crowd. For this serious man, life is a loaded experience, not to be frittered away in superficialities -- every day must be seized and squeezed to extract as much benefit as might be afforded him.

Scorpio Woman (October 24-November 21): Nobody has a higher opinion of herself than the Scorpio woman. Hers is an indomitable spirit that cannot be penetrated by even the most vehement detractors. Too self-possessed to struggle, Scorpio achieves her ambitions by amassing supporters who pave the way, if not roll out the red carpet, for her. She oozes feminine allure and foreboding egotism in equal measure, bidding would-be mates to "come hither," but to do so at their own peril. The zodiac's indisputable femme fatale, she appears unmoved by a man's advances, using such insouciance to bait him into working ever increasingly for her attention. (Jane, Somer, Helena, India-Jewel and I are all Scorpios!)

Sagittarius Man (November 22-December 21): Sagittarius man is the zodiac's libertarian. A freewheeling extremist, nobody lives larger than he does. Forever shaking up existing codes and mores, he colors outside the lines in life, succeeding in his endeavor by taking great risks. Being so naturally expansive a character, Sag embodies a sense of abandon, emancipating situations from the restraints of small-mindedness, resetting standards and ushering in new orders. By rights, he can be excessive in attitude and behavior, a living testament to the new orders. By rights, he can be excessive in attitude and behavior, a living testament to the adage "Think big and be big."

Sagittarius Woman (November 22-December 21): In life's rich pageant, Sagittarius woman is the contestant most likely to walk away with the crown. A radiant, regal figure, she presides over experience, exuding an air of deservedness directed toward all that she desires. To her, the world is an abundant place where she can reach out and grab all she envisions. Struggle is anathema to Sag: She keeps her eye on one particular prize at a time and, sensing the right opportunity, lets her Archeress arrows fly with swift precision, hitting her far-reaching marks while remaining removed from the fray of embattling human interaction. (Olivia is a Sagittarius!)

Capricorn Man (December 22-January 20): Capricorn man is the zodiac's consummate sophisticate. An anachronism of the first order, he is a living, breathing anomaly who, while existing in a thoroughly modern world, nonetheless eschews all things new or culturally mainstream. Like some deposed royal, he is at once grand and stately in his demeanor as well as perpetually jaded, wistful, and dejected in his outlook. Nothing much impresses or excites the Cap -- his personal protocol is to remain unruffled and aloof in every circumstance -- embodying an ultimate sense of relaxation that remains his eternal raison d'etre.

Capricorn Woman (December 22-January 20): Capricorn woman is a class act. The most self composed, least showy lady in the zodiac, she is an understatedly elegant character, largely unimpressed by "externals" such as fame, high finances, or family pedigree. Self-respect is of prime importance -- largely unswayed by others' opinions of her, she focuses on cultivating a quality of life distinguished by moral courage and a quest for spiritual knowledge. On this score, reputation is paramount to her, determined as she is to be valued as a person of substance. (Corynne and Lesley are both Capricorns!)

Aquarius Man (January 21-February 19): Aquarius man is the most estranged character in the zodiac. He exudes an air of detachedness, an ironic symptom of his sign's infamous association with human liberty. On a one-to-one level, he feels set apart from others, while he is often predisposed to belonging to a larger, set social group, class, or even a philosophical ideology. For much of his youth, Aquarius is considered a bit of a freak, eccentric in his signature offbeat perceptions and predilections.

Aquarius Woman (January 21-February 19): Aquarius woman is an inspiration. Her natural disposition is to see the joy in every situation, and she's able to make even the dreariest of events seem like fun. To her the world is painfully beautiful, and she greets every day with an unscripted childlike awe, open to what cheery serendipity might cross her path as she whistles through her routine. She cares little for worldy trends or the trappings of supposed sophistication -- that proverbial square peg who can't be fit to social convention.

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Mind blown? Skepticism that it's all a bunch of hooey confirmed? Please let us know, and just pretend I'm sidling up to you cheesily in a bar and saying, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

 
 

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