IT’S HAPPENING TO ME: I'm doing an extreme diet!

SIX hundred calories a day! NO carbohydrates! HUMAN sacrifice! DOGS and cats living together! OTHER lazy pop culture clichés!

Sep 3, 2012 at 11:18am | Leave a comment

Everybody calm down. I’m not doing some nutso made-up extreme diet like Breatharianism or the cabbage soup plan. I’m doing a MEDICALLY-APPROVED nutso extreme diet, where you only consume 600 calories a day and rapidly lose weight through cannibalising your own body fat for fuel. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Look, the Olympics are over. I need a challenge, goddamnit.

BUT WON’T YOU DIE?
Well, eventually, sure. But hopefully not from my diet. You see, I’m following a very low calorie diet (VLCD), which sounds scary but is quite safe if you do it right. In fact you should ONLY try a VLCD if your BMI tips a certain point and – crucially – if your doctor says you can.

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HOW IT WORKS

You replace your normal human Earth food with Soylent Green-style “food packs” – soups, bars and shakes that are low-carbohydrate and (apparently) nutritionally complete. This induces ketosis , a state where your body burns its own fat for fuel rather than the food you’ve digested. Ketosis gives you energy, which means you can carry on your daily life without swooning all over the place, and it blunts hunger and cravings, making it easier to stay on plan.

Although losses are different for everyone, people on VLCDs can expect to drop about a dress size in a month. Incidentally, there are lots of VLCDs out there - I’m not disclosing my particular brand because hey, advertising , I ain’t your schill.

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Do schills eat blue cake? No sir

THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOME BULLSHIT. WHY DON’T YOU GO TO WEIGHTWATCHERS LIKE A NORMAL?
Well, you see, I did. I signed up to WeightWatchers and joined a gym, then spent six months cheerfully spraining different bits of my body through enthusiastic cardio. This has been so demotivating that I’ve spent my recovery periods eating blue cake and lamenting my uselessly muscular calves.

Basically I need to lose some weight initially so I can go to the gym without snapping off my spine or shins, or getting so pissed off with it all that I give up and erect a tent outside McDonalds forever.

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This is me after climbing a relatively modest hill with a sprained knee and a bad back. 

While this sort of diet is by no means a solution for everyone, it suits my needs right now, and I have a series of eating and exercise plans in mind to stop me piling the weight back on once I’ve finished the diet. Also, I’m going to be keeping a weekly diary of my dietary exploits for xoJane UK, which should keep me honest.

OH REALLY? WILL YOU BE POSTING WEIGHT STATS AND BEFORE-AND-AFTER PHOTOS OR ARE YOU A CHARLATAN?
Why are these subheadings so AGGRESSIVE? I’ll be writing about what it’s like to follow the diet, but I won’t post weight loss stats because – and please don’t take this the wrong way – we’re not that close. I’m hoping to lose about 10lbs (4.5 kg) though. I’ll let you know if I do.

No photos, however, because I like myself and the internet too much to do that to either of us.

CHICKEN
Oh fine. HERE:

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I sure hope this diet can grow my right foot back, too.

I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU WOMEN WRITERS ALWAYS BANGING ON ABOUT DIET THIS AND DIET THAT
WELL STOP MAKING FOOD SO DELICIOUS, THEN.

The Extreme Dietry of Robyn Wilder starts this week. Follow Robyn on Twitter @orbyn