wants you to know that they know that beer can be super confusing.
Look, beer is not confusing. The Higgs boson
is confusing. Things by David Lynch
are confusing. The fact that my skin is both oily AND flaky is confusing.
Beer is actually pretty simple. You extract some sugars from some grains, the yeast eats those sugars, you fucking carbonate. You drink it.
I am confused about something here, but it's not beer.
I have never been confused by beer (or any fucking beverage). I've been overwhelmed by a large selection of beer. I've been uncertain about what I should spend my money on that evening (a new sour or an IPA I know is good?). I've been obliterated by a really alcoholic and yet quite smooth beer.
Beer is one of the things in my world that is not a source of confusion. It’s a source of joy and, while I’m no expert, “confusion” is not one of the feeling beer evokes in me.
Lots of emotions (including confusion and rage) are evoked by this video
though. Go watch it.
Initially, we are confronted with a terrifying scenario:
“You walk into a bar. You pick up a beer menu. You’re a LADY, and you’re not sure what to order.”
Well, thank god this dude is here to answer all of these tough beer questions (some of which he doesn't even get right).
I mean the very first sentence is “We have three great beer options that women will love!” and then this guy suggests two beers and a fucking cider. Cider is not beer, assholes. It’s made from apples. Beer is made from malted grain. The author later mentions that cider is technically not beer, but I guess it’s too hard to think of a third beer. God, even if you wanted to stick with the whole “ ladies love sweet” thing, you could have suggested a chocolate stout or some shit.
Then this happens:
Other times, ordering the perfect beer can be a piece of cake, especially since some of the best beer experts out there are women!
But this women's website doesn't consult one of these lady experts. Instead, we get this fucking guy (who thinks cider is beer). And while he admits that some ladies have really sophisticated beer palates (thanks, bro) he goes on to say that most bitches be ordering things that are on the sweeter side.
Which brings us to his first suggestion: motherfucking Lambic
GUYS. I love a peach Lambic on a hot day, but only if it’s diluted with a crisp wheat ale, otherwise it’s too syrupy for me.
Does that mean I look down on those that enjoy their Lambic neat? No. I don’t give a fuck what you like, if you want something sweet and fruity and a beertender gives you a Lambic, he or she probably made the right call. But I do get annoyed when Lambic is treated as the go-to “lady beer.” I've seen beertenders suggest it to a woman without even asking what she usually enjoys, and that pisses me off.
Also, dude? I've never found a Lambic that was over 4%. Lambics are a low alcohol beer
, so this whole “6-10% abv” thing is a fucking lie. Lambics are spontaneously fermented, which means that the cooled wort is exposed to the yeast that’s just floating around in the air, so the alcohol content isn't easily controlled. The highest they can get is around 8%, but they’re usually around 3 or 4% (in my experience).
. I really like Belgians. They are
sweet and very alcoholic, so at least Ken Hendrick got that right. But “Belgian” is a really broad term. Lambics are Belgian, so really, only one type of beer is being suggested here. “Belgian” also includes Witbiers, Saisons, Dubbels, Tripels, and Quads. This LADY does a great job of breaking down each one
We served this Belgian at my wedding.
Then ciders are suggested, but I’m not going to talk about those because they are not beer.
And then there’s just the whole “Ooh! I’m drawn to the pretty red one” thing that kinda bugs me, but whatever, if you want to choose your alcohol based on its color, you do you.
But the whole tone of this video and the accompanying post is so silly and so pandering that it’s almost satirical.
Except it's not satire. It's sincere.
All ladies can enjoy beer.
I think my sentiments are best expressed through the (stolen) Facebook status of the woman who owns Metropolitan Brewing:
Dear Media: Please do stop trying to identify what a person will drink based on their genitals. Unless a drinking vessel requires the *actual use* of a woman's delicate flower or a man's joystick, please just stop. Just. Stop. - Signed, the broad who owns a brewery and drinks whatever the hell she wants.
SO ANYWAY. I’m done yelling at womensforum.com (even though they called hops “hoops” and suggest putting an orange slice in ANY beer, which is egregious).
OK, now I’m done.
Let’s leave all the negativity behind and talk about beer. The following beers are the ones that got me into craft beer and continue to hold my attention. I think they’re all pretty approachable, unless you just hate beer, in which case I can’t help you.
This is a Belgian Dubbel and it is delicious. It is sweet, but it is also spicy. This is the first Belgian I was ever obsessed with. Chimay also makes some amazing stinky cheese
. They are also one of the few Trappist breweries
in the world, which means that it’s all made by monks, which I think is cool.
Dogfish is my everything. Not only do they make consistently good IPAs (60, 90, and 120 Minute), they are continuously inventing new flavors that are less of a gimmick and more of a good idea. My current favorites are Sah-Tea
(which has actual tea in it) and Theobroma
(which is named after the region where chocolate was first discovered). Neither is overly sweet, but both are very flavorful.
Fun fact: “theobromine
” is the name of the molecule in chocolate that makes you happy; it’s very structurally similar to caffeine.
Both beers are part of the “Ancient Ale
” series at Dogfish where they take really fucking old recipes and recreate them. I find this to be a lot more creative than some other breweries we’ve discussed. Ahem. Rogue. Ahem
This one is seasonal, but it’s one of my favorite brown ales ever. It’s fairly malty, but starts out with a hoppy kick. The finish is sweet but not cloying. It’s really well balanced and really drinkable.
I could go on and on describing all of my favorites, but I’m just going to list a few others that I continually come back to.
- Hitachino Wit
- Unibroue: Maudite or La Fin Du Monde or Don de Dieu
- Cigar City (local Tampa brewery): Cucumber Saison, Peach IPA (not sweet at all), Maduro Brown
- Green Flash Hop Head Red Ale
- Avery Maharaja
- Terrapin Rye Pale Ale
- Stone Pale Ale
That should get you started. If there is nothing in there you like, I’m sorry I failed you. If there’s something you think I would like, please tell me in the comments. I’m always looking for new brews.
Oof. Who needs a drink?