Boo, let me give it to you straight: There are definite no-nos for speaking to members of other sexualities.
This week, I reached out to my fellow homos and posed the question: How do your straight friends irritate you? What insensitive terms, insipid platitudes or arrogant assumptions really get your blood boiling with people you otherwise adore? Could we put a stop to stupidity by gently correcting our hetero biffles?
Let me enlighten you as to the things you do that are so ridiculous, we either cringe, vomit or subtly mock you.
1. "Men are so awful/confusing/difficult, I wish I was a lesbian. It would be so much easier. "
Leading the pack at number one is a statement both ubiquitous and absurd.
In what universe are women simpler than men? I’m not trying to go all ya-ya sisterhood; I’m just asking. Do you honestly believe men are more complex than women? Than you? Would you date you?
No, of course you wouldn’t, because you’re a total psycho. Even if you’re not actually psychotic, I have yet to meet a girl who isn’t secretly convinced she is insane. Womanly intricacies aside, dating as a straight person is easier than dating as a gay person in any context. There are so many of you. Straight people breed like rabbits.
2. Using the possessive (“I love my gays”).
A member of the majority using the possessive about any member of a minority is always, ALWAYS a social faux pas. No matter how many sexy duct-tape-covering-mouth pictures you pose for, we are not owned or even indebted to you. It’s fabulous that you support gay rights, but not actively oppressing someone does not make you their owner; it makes you not a horrible person. Do you refer to African-American friends as "my blacks"? Yes? Please stop immediately.
3. “I’m just going out with my girlfriend.”
This isn’t offensive so much as confusing. Whenever a straight female begins gabbing about her "girlfriends," I am reminded of the great chasm between the world they live in and the one I occupy.
When you refer to your friends as girlfriends, you confuse men and women alike on the nature of your relationship. Furthermore, it’s dated and downright unrefined to denote cisgender before every statement. Does it really matter if your friends are women or men? Don’t you think we’ll know that "Mary" might be female? Do yourself a favor and tailor your speech for the audience.
4. “Sexuality is a spectrum.”
Congratulations, you paid enough attention in psych 101 to regurgitate Kinsey. Welcome to the upper-middle class.
There’s nothing more grating than straight people lecturing gay people on the many special shades of our own rainbow. I am familiar with bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, and whatever other sexual you are just dyingggg to tell me about.
It’s a phenomenal step forward for human sophistication that all aspects of sexuality are receiving the recognition they deserve, but spare me the talking points. I’ve heard them, and I’m still gay: gay gay, as in solely attracted to women. You can sit anywhere on the spectrum you desire, but don’t put your shit on me. I’m very happy on my side of the fence, and fought incredibly hard to get here. Don’t you dare try to tell me what it means to be gay.
5. “You’re so pretty for a lesbian.”
Actually I’m pretty for any girl, ever. Thanks though!
Enough with the ugly lesbian stereotypes. Just enough. There are far more ugly straight people than ugly lesbians -- probably because there are far more straight people than gay people.
"Ugly girls are gay, pretty girls are bi" is an irritating stereotype that rears its head regularly in my day-to-day life.
First of all, it ascribes straight standards of beauty to gay standards of beauty. They are not the same. I’m attracted to androgynous, athletic, cosmopolitan dykes who look like they could doddle me on their knee while detailing their last trip to Home Depot. These girls are in no way unattractive, and are, in fact, very desirable in the gay community while being totally undesirable in the straight community.
At the other side of that, there’s nothing I’m less attracted to than an overly coiffed blonde coated in frosted lipstick and adorned in only a pink bikini; yet, any trip to Hooters tells me this look has always and will always be in for those in the straight community.
6. “Oh, you’re a lesbian? Well, one time I got wasted and let my lesbian neighbor go down on me.”
Yo, I don’t want to hear about your boring straight sex or cliche girl-on-girl experience.
Sometimes I feel like straight people mishear, "I’m gay,” as, "I’m kinky, promiscuous, and down hear every drippin’ detail of your odious fuckery." Perhaps you should all see some type of hearing specialist.
In all seriousness, I appreciate you’re trying to find common ground and truly, sincerely appreciate that consideration. You clearly have good intentions. However, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean all commonly acceptable standards of conversation and etiquette are out the window; I’m a lesbian, not Dr. Drew.
7. Drop "fag," "dyke," and "That’s so gay" like you’re one of us.
Imagine this scenario: You see me, in all my diminutive glory, strolling up to a table of women. The women -- all zaftig -- turn to say hello, and I respond, “WASSUP FATTIES?" Not cool. Never cool. Same applies to fag, dyke, and "That’s so gay."
I can say these. You cannot. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But that’s not fair,” I would like to remind you that life is not fair and if not being able to use a homophobic slur is the least fair element of your life, you’re leading an extraordinarily gentle life.
8. Straight Guys Joking About "Going Gay" For One Another.
Bromance has to be the least interesting pop culture phenomena since the pet rock. I don’t really hang out with straight men because we have nothing in common. I generally dislike their appearance/demeanor/personality -- and when we get drunk, they inevitably feel obligated to remind me how if I wasn’t gay they “would just fuck the shit out of me.”
In the odd case that I am surrounded by guys, I’m horrified to witness the unending, double-entendre-ridden monologue that is straight dudes joking about being gay.
9. Creep On Lesbians.
What a wonderful thing it is to be gay. Gay men are physically harassed for public affection. Lesbians are sexually harassed and then physically harassed for public affection. Last week, not once, not twice, but three times did straight men verbally and physically harass me for kissing a girl. At a gay bar. They were there with their girlfriends, who really just needed to dance.
Please, if you see a lesbian couple with the audacity to behave like a human couple in public (hugs, hand holding, arm over shoulder) just leave them alone. We are trying to live our lives in peace. We don’t need your commentary, however "flattering" you think it to be.
10. My gay friend --------------------.
You mean your friend?
I’ve had this discussion with my mother approximately 17 times and she still refers to Carlos as her "gay friend Carlos." She can’t be stopped as she is a very aggressive middle-aged Greek woman, but maybe you can. Take a moment to think about how fucked up it is that you define me as gay before anything else. How disturbing it is that "gay" is placed before my name?
I don’t care if you tell people I’m gay, but my name is Chloë, not "Gay Chloë."