So the festive season is upon us, and YOU have a cold. Does that mean you have to hang up your sequins? Retire from the party circuit? Huddle miserably under a slanket watching a pouchy Steve Guttenberg vomit dialogue like “I’m looking for the other half of my heart, my soulmate” in Single Santa Seeks Mrs Claus? Not a bit of it! (Although it is compelling viewing).
I am a FESTIVAL of snot. I basically look like this right now, and I keep hacking up fucking SENTIENT, NEON PHLEGM.
However, I’m still determined to enjoy the wonders of Christmas, and you can too, if you follow THESE EIGHT STEPS:
1. Make snow angels out of used tissues!
Bring back the wintry magic of childhood in a way that suits you! No tedious waiting for sufficient snowfall. No having to go out in the pesky cold weather. Just sneeze, ball, throw, and roll!
It’s not unhygienic – it’s INNOVATION.
2. Cry like Carrie Matheson!
Recreate Carrie’s crying scenes from Homeland by sneezing in front of a mirror:
This actually works for all Carrie’s scenes from Homeland. Including sex scenes.
3. Play Sneezy Nail Polish Roulette!
How far will YOU get with YOUR pedicure before you sneeze and ruin it all?
I got to this little piggy, who went wee-wee-wee all the way onto my laminate flooring, thereby voiding my rental deposit. What larks!
4. Mix up some cough syrup cocktails!
It IS the season after all. How about Benylin and Baileys? Lemsip G&Ts? Berocca Jägerbombs? Oh my god you guys, FLAMING COVONIA SAMBUCA SHOTS. Don’t look at me like that. You’ve thought about it, too.
5. DIY coldy karaoke!
Hey, why should healthy people have all the drunken atonal fun? Now that those Berocca Jägerbombs have lowered your inhibitions, meander onto YouTube and find yourself something rappy, bass baritone, or heavy on the M and N sounds:
6. Try out poodle haircuts on yourself!
Look, if you’re home sick with a cold and an internet connection, at some point you’re going to disappear down the Google black hole and end up either here, or at some terrible erotic lactation (DON’T GOOGLE IT!) website. Which should hopefully put this photo into some perspective:
FYI if you’re more able, you could try recreating a poodle-pony , a poodle-Ninja Turtle, a poodle-lion-zebra-thing, and the saddest poodle-panda in all the world . Oh, and POODLE-CTHULHU. If you try these, I implore you: send photos. Send many photos.
7. Keep Twitter updated!
8. Nose tampons!
They save on nostril-chafing and carpal tunnel from constant nose-blowing. Unless your hooter is massive and your nostrils labyrinthine, use light, non-applicator versions. REMOVE WHEN DOORBELL RINGS. Men, you may prefer to use something more manly, like hammers or your fists.
You’re welcome and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Keep up with Robyn’s every sneeze on Twitter @orbyn.