I’m still watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to - and this week I’m watching Hollyoaks Later, the late-night version, which is apparently so edgy that it requires a disclaimer. So here’s one I made earlier:
DISCLAIMER - Hollyoaks Later contains... STRONG LANGUAGE
FOR NO APPRECIABLE REASON, LETHAL BIZZLE
AND BRENDAN BRADY’S MOUSTACHE
SO WHA GWAN?
The action opens with a dream-like sequence of a man running on a windswept arthouse beach. This is much like the beginning of the film Clone, where Eva Green does a sex on Matt Smith then gives birth to Matt Smith (consider this spoiler a favour; believe me –life’s too short to spend 111 minutes watching Eva Green sigh at the ocean and pull on her sleeves).
But! The man running on the beach isn’t Matt Smith from Clone, or even his son, Matt Smith from Clone.
It is of course gentleman gangster and purveyor of fine moustaches, Brendan Brady. I USED TO WANT TO BE SUPERMAN, he bellows, then has a shower.
Ooh, edgy. Meanwhile...
• Mitzeee busts out of prison and, despite being handcuffed to a nutjob, manages to get to Riley and plant a seed of doubt about Mercedes’ role in her imprisonment.
• Some sixth-formers go to Amsterdam, get stoned with moody Eurotrash, meet Lethal Bizzle, and that’s about it.
• Everybody remembers to say “fuck” and get their bum out every 3.5 minutes. Basically it’s Hollyoaks reimagined by Shane Meadows.
And if this is a Shane Meadows film, then our Paddy Considine is Brendan Brady who – freed from the shackles of boring old daytime Hollyoaks – gamely issues maniacal laughs and malevolent whispers from beneath his moustache, and generally channels Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs.
For instance, if you found out your friend was being beaten up by their stepfather, what would you do? Shop them to the fuzz*? Get your friend away from the situation?
Well, that shit won’t fly when you’re Brendan Brady. He decides to punish barman Joel’s abusive stepfather by:
1. Relentlessly DANCING at him:
2. Dangling him from the top of a lighthouse (at this point I decide that Hollyoaks Later is AMAZING):
3. Kicking down his own family’s holiday home. Admittedly this is less to do with Joel’s stepfather, and more about Brendan’s disturbing childhood flashbacks, but who cares about semantics when you’re punching a fitted kitchen into submission?
Unfortunately, though, all that architectural GBH results in a gas leak and massive explosion:
Does Brendan survive? Do the stoned sixth-formers get lost on the way home and end up in Albert Square? Does Mitzeee grow a fugitive-beard like Dr Richard Kimble?
I don’t know. Hollyoaks Later is off the chain. Basically anything could happen. In the meantime, though, here’s that Brendan Brady dance sequence in full:
YOU’RE WELCOME. [Robyn - quick request from your editor here, can we change The Hollyoaks Report to The Brendan Report and just check in Chester's most unhinged amateur gangster each week? Pleasethankyou ]
*I can get away with “the fuzz”, right? I may have gone to public school, but I’m 65% sure that “the fuzz” is bonafide ghetto-speak feau’ sheau’.