There were thrills (Artem's chest) spills (Brendan and Robin hit the deck) and we all learned a lesson: when the BBC gives you just twenty minutes to vote – while most people are bathing their children/eating their dinner – in the age of Sky+, results will be skewed and people who shouldn't go home get sent packing, while Richard 'giggedy giggedy' Arnold gets to mince his way to Wembley.
Join me by pouring yourself a corner shop Trebbiano and whacking on The Essential Gloria Estefan. You're going to need it.
Hello Claudia! Two gorgeous frocks, two over-zealous spray tans and, as ever, far too much eyeliner, but Winkles showed Tess exactly how it's done in what I shall call, from this day forth, Claudia Week.
Craig – a six for Louis and a SEVEN for Richard. Get a grip you prick.
Denise turned in some brilliant skirt work and spins in her paso, but this was overshadowed by the surreal Elvis-like faces she insisted on pulling throughout. Nevertheless, a deserved personal and series best of 36 was racked up.
Nice start. Richard's charlston was pretty clunky. He seems to be a bloody lovely bloke so I don't want to be harsh, but there's stiff competition for Britain's most beloved homosexual, and playing the bongos on Erin Boag's arse won't win you the crown. More technique, less tack, please. Score: an over-generous 27.
Ok, so Louis isn't perfect, yet. But moments of his waltz were the most technically impressive male dancing I've seen on Strictly. Sadly, his strange ballroom face, like a pompous lord sniffing a turd, was on view throughout.
Despite this, if I hadn't been in the presence of my in-laws, I would have turned the air blue when Craig pulled out his six paddle. Way to make a mockery of the judging system, Horwood. Also, must every waltz start on that bloody swing? Score – a PATHETIC 33.
Fern's salsa was a smasher, so foxy she appeared to have ripped right through her tights. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to add a SPOILER WARNING before saying it really didn't deserve to be in the bottom two. Also, ARTEM'S CHEST. Score: 27.
My favourite part of Victoria's quickstep was Brendan's tumble at the end. For someone with abs like a 90s Janet Jackson, she apparently has little to no core strength and dances like the rag doll Colin Jackson lost the season two final with. My theory: they've paid her a packet and want their money's worth, because seriously – 30?
Now to my favourite – Dani's tango. Great song, great execution, best choreography of the season yet. Fact. I agreed with Darcy that on occasion it was a little bit moody teen... and the final walk was a bit butch... but I LOVED it. More than 34 next week please, judges.
Nicky finally blossomed, and god do we love a journey. Classy and clever, I was only a wee bit disappointed by the prop waving. Score: 30. Fair.
To Kimberley's waltz. If she hadn't hopped so much this couch critic would have given it a ten. Now people, we need to start voting for who we want to win, not who we want to save, because the fact Kimberley ended up in the dance-off is a travesty. A PB – 34.
Do I have to talk about Vaughany? I mean I like the guy – I'll even accept his questionable hairpiece at a push, but his thrusty crotch makes me feel a bit sick (I'm beginning to realise I dwell on the negative of Strictly, and if anyone from the show reads this they might not want to be my friend, which is, of course, my goal in life. So I will add that Vaughany's lifts were good). Score – 26.
And finally, Lisa's fantastic foxtrot. This girl has talent, and it's not just for footwork. Her performance was classy yet joyful, and a perfect show closer. I don't even care if she leads a bit... why should the female dancers passively waft around their men? Take him by the balls Riley! Score – a well-deserved 33.
Aw, it was all going so well, wasn't it? Robyn's tears of joy at a great score were turned to a studio full of sad crys when two of the most interesting dancers, Kimberley and Fern, ended up in the final two. The dance-off revealed that Kimberley was the better dancer of the two, but I think those of us who don't actually vote have to accept we have a role to play in sending home one of the nicest women on TV (Sorry Alisande). And yes. That's how seriously I take Strictly.
Quote of the week
Anything that came out of Winkleman's mouth.
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