Do you ever puke inside when you think about things you've done?
No? Just me?
(It's also National Ravioli Day which has led to much erotic ravioli fan fic amongst the editors here on staff -- all started by this email from Marci, but let's just put that aside for the mo.)
So, in the spirit of matrimony and pasta, I thought I would revisit a spectacularly awful plea I once sent to a guy wanting him to propose. Incidentally, I also had practiced and rehearsed a speech from "Why Men Marry Bitches." I kind of allude to it in my Fantastic Shitshow of an Email below.
Since the time I sent this, I have grown dramatically.
In revisiting the email, I honestly thought I would laugh ha-ha-ha-so-funny reading the email, but no, I just died a little inside. OK, a lot. Full disclosure: I've also tried the very classy technique of grinding my wet pussy against a guy while discussing engagement and then refusing to fuck the guy when he seemed less than enthused.
Gosh. I wonder why I'm single.
Incidentally, reading shit like this FROM MYSELF makes me understand why some people so viscerally cannot stand me. Clarity!
"Hi. This is an email that you are welcome to discard -- but I had a realization tonight as I was whining to a friend about, 'I just feel like it's now or never with him..." and she was mostly quiet and said nothing which is the right thing to do, and then she said, 'It's funny -- because you guys are so sophisticated, but then in this way you are so typically male and female.'
"Maybe that's when it hit me. Is that as much as romance is fun and stewing is fun and pining is fun and the titillation of will you/won't you is fun, I'm over it.
"I thrive when I have forward movement. And right now I don't feel any. This email is a lot more than what we've talked about in the past. It's a bunch of ideas.
"You can ignore them. But I'm letting you know where I'm coming from. Because I have dreams. I have like recurring dreams about you proposing. It's making me crazy. And -- dude -- one thing to be clear on, I am fine if you don't -- but let's decide now. Or soon. Let's -- or rather, YOU -- please, decide soon.
"So in the spirit of symbolic forward movement (and it's fine if it comes to nothing -- but I try to live my life by taking steps of inspired movement -- which has always, always, always only led to good things) I'm sending you this.
"1) I think that you should propose to me.
"2) I think you should do so soon.
"3) I think that if we get married -- possibly even as early as this summer -- you would also have a sudden influx of income for your expenses -- and we could plan to have a small garden wedding with just your immediate family and my immediate family.
"4) As I said above -- re: all of this, if we break up tomorrow, that is totally cool, too. Seriously. These are ideas.
"5) Ideally, I would like a Tiffany Setting engagement ring -- no cheap flower stand roses, please. (To use an analogy.)
"6) I will happily sign a pre-nup agreement. The reason that I have not ever had an issue in past relationships about money is because both sides were honest and vocal in that we both contributed what we deemed fair for the situation. That is a big part of my identity, and I'm glad for it.
"I know that you enjoy the hunt. The chase. And I will give you this. I will give you this in spades. But I'm quite frankly sick of games. Here is my game. I love you, and I will be as inaccessible as you so desire -- or we shall break it off and both find lovely people -- or you will propose in the next few months. Again, this is not an ultimatum. At all. These are just ideas -- and it seems like I might as well be straight up and tell you some of the ideas that I have to the person who I am closest to. That seems fair. That seems to me like a good partnership. Don't be turned off. This is about partnership and worth and me being a person who likes to act on good ideas. I am worth an engagement, I am worth a nice ring, and I am worth you moving forward in this relationship and us concentrating on important things -- rather than the stupidity of girl-boy drama shit.
"(It's funny -- because, I'm the kind of person where I really prefer to use my brainpower toward FUN, LIFE ADVANCEMENT things -- not boy-girl shit.)
"And again -- if this email is like the female equivalent of me getting undressed and you not having the thrill of taking of my clothes -- well, fuck it. You've always enjoyed it when I am naked. Because I'm fucking awesome in bed. And that's how I will be in marriage, too.
"My feeling is that we both thrive the most when we see each other and support each other -- or you can keep training me that you will treat me better when I show you that you can't have me.
"I'm happy to continue doing this -- but I want to be there for you. I prefer being there for you.
"And I'd also just like to make clear, here is the big speech I have rehearsed. Ready? 'I'm getting to the point where I need a reason to stay in this relationship.'
"I'm getting to the point.
"I love you.
"It's fine if this all turns you off. I'm sure it will. But I think that part of you will also respect me for it.
"I really don't like wasting time -- and all these games are silly.
"I love you. You love me. So go for it. Or don't. *But* it was done in a moment of inspiration. That is all.
"Thanks for listening -- and thanks for the fun times so far.
Dying inside? Dead?
Yeah, me too. I followed this email up a few months later by getting rilllllllly drunk and fucking two Italian pilots I met on the street. So that kind of ended that.
But as Phil Donohue says, "That's a whole other show!"
Have you ever done any mortifying shit like this?
Also, if you write some humble-brag bullshit like, "Oh, my God, I have such a similar problem, except it's with men bugging ME! Like, I'm not ready to be in a relationship, you know?" then I will cut you. Like I will find your address, and I will cut you.
Just kidding! Ha ha. I hope you enjoyed that "joke."