The Hollyoaks Report: Supergirl, new swear words, and dragons

In which I become creepily infatuated by Hollyoaks’ superhero lady detective.

Aug 22, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

Robyn Wilder is watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to. Just £1 a day could buy a new battery for Robyn’s TV remote and end this madness. Please give generously.

THE SKINNY

This week, moustachioed Brendan attempts a heist but it’s lampooned by a mysterious saboteur; mardy vamp Mercedes continues to ricochet between suitors; and poor incarcerated Mitzeee is being intimidated, Prisoner Cell Block H style, by what appears to be an Indigo Girl:

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However, the MAIN news is that lovely Lynsey’s murderer is still on the loose. But what causes more vexation, wringing of hands, and flashbacks among Hollyoaks residents is the police reconstruction of Lynsey’s last hours, led by the breakout star of this particular story...

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… DETECTIVE INSPECTOR SUPERGIRL!

Just LOOK at her. She’s like bloody THOR or something, stalking through Chester, all tailored and zingily effective, not taking no shit from no motherfucker, and relentlessly hunting down the truth.

She is BRILLIANT. WITNESS how the other police officers instinctively defer to Detective Inspector Supergirl’s alpha status. IMAGINE having that sort of charisma at work:

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Detective Inspector Supergirl is a BASTION of justice, determination and naturally great hair. OBSERVE how she calmly and protectively reassures Lynsey’s stand-in:

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Secretly WISH that Detective Inspector Supergirl would stand guard outside your bedroom at night to keep away bad dreams, or beat up people who elbow you on the train or say “it’s all good” too often:

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Er, anyway. Eventually Detective Inspector Supergirl arrests the reptilian Walker for Lynsey’s murder, but he’s not playing ball:

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“I’LL HAUL YOUR SKINNY BACKSIDE OVER THE COALS,” she roars, but it’s no good. Turns out Walker’s only crime is looking a bit sort of James Spadery, and sometimes engaging in angry snogging sessions with moustachioed Brendan.

So, despite BEING FUCKING AWESOME, Detective Inspector Supergirl has to let Walker walk.

“DAMNITS,” she hisses in frustration:

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Never mind, Detective Inspector Supergirl. I still love you. Also, while you may not have solved Lynsey’s murder, you HAVE managed to make pluralised swear words a thing, so at least there’s that.

LESSONS LEARNED

1. The books of L P Hartley have taught me that the past is another country. Hollyoaks flashbacks have taught me that the past is also sort of over-exposed, and that no one has a nose in it:

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2. Hollyoaks Womens Prison is being haunted by the ghost of a slouchy disaffected Urban Outfitters sales assistant:

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3. I’ve been trying to figure out who Mitzeee reminds me of when she’s not wearing makeup:

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And today it came to me. It’s Falkor the luck dragon from The Neverending Story, of course:

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GRATUITOUS MOUSTACHE SHOT

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Here’s Brendan staring into the abyss. Or a box of doughnuts. Or a pony. It’s kind of hard to tell, to be honest - Brendan’s a pretty intense guy.

DAMNITS!