I’m watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to . Please direct all questions to my lawyer.
Last week I went to Vienna to eat schnitzel, Instagram myself in front of a bunch of architecture and (inexplicably) binge on two seasons of atmospheric Swedish crime drama, Wallander.
As a result I’m a bit behind with Hollyoaks and keep expecting it to look like a knitwear catalogue and feature more flatpack, whitewash, and liberal social ideals.
Obviously I’m constantly disappointed. It’s Hollyoaks. Which means it looks like a Tammy Girl catalogue and features more six-packs, hogwash and Liberty-X ideals. Anyway.
Here are Riley and Mitzeee, hoping love conquers all their problems. Mitzeee’s problem is that she’s languishing behind bars, falsely accused of stabbing evil Mercedes, and Riley’s problem is that he’s basically a potato.
Incidentally, if this were Wallander, Riley and Mitzeee would be sitting by a window overlooking a rotting pier instead of a bulletin board, and at least one of them would be a sculptor.
Also, this week’s LSLL has a lovely bunch of coconuts:
You know what? The British criminal justice system isn’t as bad as everyone says. I mean, they have NEWSPAPERS in prison, and...
Wait, what’s that…?
Oh my god. It’s the largest collection of stamps! It’s the largest collection of stamps QUESTION MARK!
Chester EXPLODES with scandal. The press goes MAD. Literally FOUR reporters chase Riley through the streets of Chester. “Tell us about the stamps, Riley!” says one. “STAMPS STAMPS STAMPS STAMPS STAMPS!” Says another.
It is at this point that I realise that Riley’s character is a professional footballer. An actual running about, earning money kicking a ball FOOTBALLER.
This is news to me - all I’ve ever seen Riley do is a) look sad and b) buy cheese. Shows what I know, though. I suppose that means David Beckham spends his days moping over Philadelphia, too. How the other half live, eh.
Amid all this stamps kerfuffle young Callum decides to protest about his mother’s alcoholism and apparent nonchalance about selling alcohol to a minor by, er, drinking lots of Heineken.
THEN he locks his mother a in a cupboard. THEN he instigates a brief tussle with his sister and everything goes a bit, well, Wallandery.
There’s lots of slow-motion blonde hair flying about, and a maudlin indie tune playing in the background, and the wanton destruction of a well-ordered living room.
Finally two policemen spring FROM THE NEXT ROOM and lead Callum away from, hopefully, the dark path/ill- advised facial hair he has chosen.
WHAT WE LEARNED THIS WEEK
1. This week I couldn’t find the Canadian recording artist Grimes ANYWHERE in Hollyoaks. Luckily, it turns out, when Grimes isn’t available, Florence and the Machine step in:
2. This is apparently Sign Language for “are you deaf?”
Tune in next week for more.