Angelina Jolie's cousin takes out a restraining order against Brad Pitt, John Travolta and the Church of Scientology, at the behest of the Pope

There is absolutely no way I could have made that headline any shorter...

Jun 22, 2012 at 10:33am | Leave a comment

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A man claiming to be Angelina Jolie's cousin told Brad Pitt that he 'will fight to the death and [he] will not enter the Scientology building.' Well, that's a relief. 

I was a bit worried that this rainy, bleak Friday was going to be a slow news day. Then I came across this little gem, courtesy of Holy Moly (who got it from Radar Online).

A man called Jonathan Jolie, claiming to be Angelina Jolie’s cousin has tried to take out a restraining order against Brad Pitt, John Travolta and the Church of Scientology to stop them forcing Angelina into becoming a Scientologist. Oh yes, and the Pope was involved.

"Jonathan Jolie was at the Church of Scientology in Clearwater, Florida on 6/1/12 and was physically assaulted by Brad Pitt & John Travolta...I live in the Vatican City and was sent directly from Pope Benedict to spy and stop Brad Pitt from joining the Scientologists in Clearwater headed by John Travolta, and I take it personal because if Brad Pitt becomes a Scientologist, he will brainwash his Scientology beliefs on my cousin Angelina Jolie which means the Jolie seeds will be infected and our bloodline ruined as I am also albino by birth and marksman at night and Pope Benedict called me into his secret chamber and told me Brad Pitt must be stopped immediately."

If that wasn't bat-shit crazy enough, Jonathan Jolie claims that what follows is something that actually happened, as oppose to some Catholic Brangelina fan fiction:

"[Pitt and Travolta] were holding hands and in disguise as the 80's sitcom Perfect Strangers were...and I shouted out 'halt…. you do not disobey Lord Pope Benedict' and Brad begged me not to tell Angelina because this conversion she did not know, it was to be kept a hidden secret, and Angelina Jolie also was not aware of Brad Pitt and John Travolta's affair with each other and I had a sword in my car, and body armour and put it on, and I told Brad Pitt I will fight to the death and you will not enter the Scientology building."

Erm yep. I don’t think there’s much more to say on that one. Other than the fact that I'm trying my best to get Jonathan Jolie to come on board as a regular columnist on xo Jane UK. The stories he could tell...