My kid's been ill the past few weeks with a cough/cold/ear infection which means no sleep for me, and I’m an eight hours a night kind of girl, otherwise I not only feel shitty, I look shitty too.
Sometimes, the kid summons me with a spine chilling ‘MUMMMMMYYYYY’ up to eight times a night with a variety of requests. Including needing a wee/finding Tigger/covering her up/wiping her nose/taking away her pillow/tying her hair up/giving her some water/cuddles, she needs cuddles/find purple, where’s purple (he’s a monster toy).
I’ll give the kid credit, her demands are original. But by god child, for fuck’s sake go to sleep. Don’t you understand you’re ruining my face?
I’m also not much of a drinker. I’ll have a tipple every once in a while, and when I do, I tend to go all out. But then it only takes me three drinks and I’m hammered.
For instance, a few months ago, I shamefully told my kid ‘Mummy’s just spitting something out in the sink, look away!’ while I vommed into it. I looked like Morticia Addams’ uglier, fatter, younger sister. But I still had to go to work, and look presentable.
Short of going out with a paper bag on my head, I at least have these products, which bring me back from the brink of ugliness and in some miracle cases, make me look fabulous, no matter how little sleep I’ve had, or how much I’ve chundered into the sink.
I should add, don’t try using all these products at once: pick and choose your problems and fight the battles you can win. Same applies to kids.
Origins VitaZing £27, John Lewis
If there’s one thing you invest in, let it be this. This soothing moisturiser, which has that typical comforting Origins scent, sinks in and hydrates beautifully. I don’t know what wizardry is in this tube, but you know when you see pictures of Madonna pre and post Photoshop (Google it)? Well this is Photoshop in a tube. It just makes skin look warm, radiant, like it’s buzzing and luminous. It’s like a BB crème, but not a BB crème. Go test it out now. LOVE.
Smashbox Photo Finish Dark Spot Corrector Primer £28, Boots
Nothing, and I mean nothing can top the regular Smashbox Photo Finish Primer. I’ve previously professed my love for it, the sheer silkiness it imparts on your face is truly something to behold. But sometimes, I’ll change it up and use this one.
Now, as far as I know, I don’t have dark spots, so that’s not why I’m using it. I use it, particularly when I’m looking grey or super dull-skinned as it has a certain glimmer about it. It just puts a little sheen on my face and allows anything I place on top to set nicely.
Benefit That Gal Brightening Face Primer £21.50, Boots
I’m a sucker for packaging. Shallow, shallow, shallow, and that’s what initially drew me to this dinky twisty primer.
I’ll get the negative out of the way first: the applicator of this product is rubbish. You twist it up like a Pritt Stick, and at the end the goo emerges through lots of little holes. I have absolutely no idea why it’s made this way, cause it really is like smearing glue on your face when applied directly to skin from the stick.
However, what's great abotu this primer is that if you just want to roll out of bed and run, smear this all over your face, and it most definitely imparts a glow. I tend not to layer on top of this, just smooth it on, add a touch of concealer and you’re away.
Clinique Even Better Makeup Foundation £22, Boots
If you’re hanging and you can still taste last night’s red wine but you’ve got a face to put out there and fast, you really can’t go wrong with this easy peasy foundation. You don’t need a fancy brush to apply it and it blends seamlessly even if booze starts seeping out of your pores. Plus it makes skin look radiant. This is a no brainer, must have foundation.
Benefit Girl Meets Pearl Face Primer £24.50, Boots
Ooooh pretty, pretty packaging. But why this highlighter calls itself a primer is a mystery. I don’t use this as a primer and again it’s got that weird twisty clicky-up tube which is just plain annoying.
But the goo is like applying liquid mother of pearl. Fantastic to smooth over your cheekbones, highlight under your brows, and touch up places you want the light to catch while removing any semblance of zombie from your face. Or twist and click out a load of it and mix it with your favourite moisturiser.
Nars Multiple Stick Orgasm £29, SpaceNK
Sometimes I don’t want to look matt and pressed, I want to glow and look dewy and have a sheen. Not an ‘I’ve just thrown up in the loo’ sheen, but one that looks like the blood is pumping around my skin, and not just constricting around my heart, cause I’m so hungover I’ve just eaten two McDonalds Bacon and Egg McMuffins.
I hate flat blusher that looks cakey. This is where this multiple stick comes in - I use it as a blusher, and it warms my cheeks with a hint of shimmer and doesn’t make them look like I’ve stepped out of a sepia coloured photo. Own this.
Revlon PhotoReady Cream Blush in Coral £7.99, Boots
Like I said, I hate cakey, dry looking blush. This is a fantastic stain-effect alternative. Go easy though, you don’t want to end up all Aunt Sally. But a little rubbed on the apples of my cheeks makes me look like I’ve been for a brisk morning run. I wish it could impart some kind of running effect on my derrière too, but alas, it’s just a blusher. A lovely one though.
Clinique Even Better Eyes £28, Boots
It may seem steep for this little tube, but when you smear this under your eyes, the cooling tip will make you groan with joy. That soothing tip, and the velvety lotion are like pouring sleep into those dark and moody eye bags. Plus it leaves your bags brightened, luminous and almost sparkling.
Smashbox Photo Op Under Eye Brightener £16, Boots
There’s a perfect little brush applicator in the tube which can be used to paint over the night before that’s sitting under your eyes. It offers a very similar glow as the CliniqueEven Better Eyes, but with a wee bit more coverage and at a purse-friendly price.
Nars Shadow Liner in Goddess £17, Space NK
I’m not teaching you anything new with this old trick, but take my word, this pencil is worth its weight in gold. Although this is strictly a liner, a little sweep of this smooth velvet gold on the inner corners of your eye will make your face pop. And this pencil may well last until death.
Burt’s Bees Tinted Lip Balm in pink Blossom £5.99, Feelunique.com
I love lipstick but sometimes I simply can’t hack it. I just need to smear some lotion on my face, a slick of mascara, a wash of blush and this lovely soft and shiny tinted lip balm, and that ping on the oven is my face saying it’s done. Perfecto.
Philosophy Eternal Grace EDT £32, Debenhams.com
I’m a huge fan of Philosophy scents and this is my go-to, wake me up before you go, go one. If you’re really hungover, there is nothing worse than that woman sat next to you on the tube reeking of Chloé Narcisse. Which is why I like to spritz on something clean, citrusy, fresh and white. This is it. Elegance in a bottle.
Now tell me, these are my facial remedies for the morning after the night before. What have I forgotten? Please do share. @danigraph