How To Impress Everyone and Probably Get Laid By Making Your Own Condiments

Maybe you think condiments pedestrian? THAT’S A MISTAKE. I am going to show you how to make CURRY KETCHUP and a SWEET AND SPICY MUSTARD so everyone get excited!

Jun 11, 2013 at 5:30pm | Leave a comment

Do you like being impressive? Do you like grilling season? What if I told you that you could combine these two things? Don’t worry; I’m not going to give you more heart attack burgers. These recipes are more subtle, more refined. If those burgers metaphorically shoot hot grease in your eyes while screaming “AMERICA,” these recipes caress your tongue while refilling your super fruit sangria.
 
This is going to be another lesson in impressing the pants off someone with a sexy staple. This will allow you to say things like “Yeah, it’s a little more expensive to make it yourself, but at least I know I’m not polluting my body with high fructose corn syrup, preservatives and chemicals.”
 
But maybe don’t say that, because I just got douche juice all over my keyboard by typing it. Instead of spewing all that word vomit, just focus on how delicious your concoctions are, because damn, these recipes are tasty.
 
Kittens, we’re going to make some super fancy condiments.
 
I’m sensing that maybe you are underwhelmed/disappointed by this direction. Maybe you think condiments pedestrian? THAT’S A MISTAKE. I am going to show you how to make CURRY KETCHUP and a SWEET AND SPICY MUSTARD so everyone get excited!
 
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Get as excited as Angie.

 
My introduction to curry ketchup was a bright spot during an otherwise bleak period. You guys have heard me whine about hating my last two years of undergrad, so I won’t bore you, but I hated it and I hated Gainesville. But there were a few places I liked frequenting. One of them was a snobby beer bar called Stubbie’s & Stein’s. The wait staff were kind of rude, but the beer selection was huge (mostly bottled, though) and the German food was awesome. My favorite thing to order was the potato pancakes. They came with applesauce and sour cream (which is always a good choice) and an assortment of mustards and ketchups. 
 
THE CURRY KETCHUP WAS A REVELATION. The potato pancakes morphed from the main event into a vehicle for this miracle condiment. I don’t even like ketchup that much.
 
I've never been able to find curry ketchup at the grocery, and while I guess I could just add curry powder to some Heinz, I felt like this was a good opportunity to make my husband fall in love with me harder.
 
Inspired by this recipe, I gathered the following:
 
  • 1 lb can of peeled, plum shaped tomatoes (in juice)
  • 2 T of vegetable oil
  • 2 smallish yellow onions (finely chopped)
  • 3 cloves fresh garlic (finely chopped)
  • 2.5 T of curry powder
  • 1 t cumin
  • 1 T paprika
  • 0.5 cup sugar
  • 0.25 cup red wine vinegar
Heat your oil in a heavy saucepan or Dutch oven (don’t be immature, guys) on medium and add the onions and garlic, stirring occasionally to prevent scorching. Once everyone knows each other really well and is all soft and translucent (about 10 minutes), add your spices. Stir to coat.
 
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This smells like heaven.

 
Next, crush the peeled tomatoes by hand, squirting tomato juice all over your favorite hipster-looking shirt and your countertop. After you have squished the noble fruits, pour the remaining juice in after them. Add your sugar and vinegar, bring to a boil, then EVERYONE CALM DOWN because you’re going to reduce the heat to a simmer and let it do its thing for about half an hour.
 
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It will look like this when you're ready to blend.

 
Next, get real excited to use your immersion blender that you have only used to make carrot soup that one time. Immerse the immersion blender only to have hot tomato slop flung against your skin. Swear like your mamma taught you and decide to use the blender instead. Blend until smooth and force through a strainer.
 
Pour into a mason jar so people will know it’s homemade; use it on everything. I have no idea how long it will keep (probably a week or two).
 
Take to the next BBQ you are invited to. Make sure you want to sleep with at least one person attending, preferably the host, because you will become the second most desirable item at this soiree (the first is the ketchup, obvi).
 
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What are fries but a delivery system for ketchup?

 
I think this ketchup may have persuaded my husband to forgive me for bringing bugs in our house.
 
BUT WHAT IS KETCHUP WITHOUT MUSTARD?
 
Still pretty awesome, that’s what, but I’m going to share a mustard recipe with you anyway.
 
I pretty much followed this recipe exactly, except I didn't let the mustard seeds marinate for as long as it says to. I let it sit for 24 hours, which seemed to be enough, but letting it sit longer may result in mellower mustard. I don’t know. I also omitted the horseradish, because this bitch had bite on its own.
 
GATHER YOUR SUPPLIES:
 
  • 0.333333 cup mustard seeds
  • 0.333333 cup white wine vinegar
  • 0.333333 white wine that happens to be sitting in your fridge. It’s probably too old, but whatever.
  • 1 T maple syrup (I used great B)
  • 1 t ground turmeric
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • fat pinch of cayenne
 
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This actually looks gross.

 
Then you just pour everything in a non-reactive bowl, cover, and let it sit at room temperature and pressure for at least 24 hours, though the original recipe recommends two to three days. I didn't have time for that though, because I needed to impart this knowledge to you NOW. What if you have a BBQ this weekend? You need to be armed.
 
After that, blend it up in your food processor. If you don’t have a food processor, re-evaluate your life/priorities. 
 
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Ignore the water spots.

 
Just kidding, a blender will probably work, just not as quickly.
 
Then boom, you made mustard.
 
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BOOM.

 
This mustard has quite the kick. It's also very sophisticated and sexy, because of the wine. I recommend eating it with some fancy salumi or like a hot dog or something.
 
I didn't make any mayo though. Because what if I fucked that up and got everyone sick? 
 
It's hard to get sick people to bone you.